ILRD Part III

"The death of a baby is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."

October 15 is Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I admit I find the day overwhelming. First, I find it overwhelming because my newsfeed (on Facebook) is filled with quotes on grief, photos of children no longer living, and the outcry of those that are filled with pain for their loss. I'm a member of a support group in KC for bereaved mothers and today is the one day that most of the women feel like it's okay to talk about their children who died. I think it's a good thing and I think most people are uncomfortable with death even though it is our reality.

Second, I found it overwhelming because Allison has been really challenging in the afternoons. She doesn't nap well in day and she can tough it out through a few snoozes in the morning but by 2pm she is mad. It takes a lot to calm her and even more to get her to sleep. This stops me from booking anything in this time and sometimes I get resentful of that. Today I had to cancel plans with April because Allison was in the middle of a tantrum. I am consumed with my love for her at the same time I wish for an hour of uninterrupted time to myself. Add to that the guilt of thinking of my feelings last year on this day, and the wishes of any mother who has lost a child, who would wish for one hour of a baby's cries to interrupt the cloak of sorrowful silence that hangs over their head. 

I'm so thankful for Allison. I'm thankful for friends who reached out to me before I posted on facebook why today was important. I'm thankful for friends and family who have loved and supported me, and I'm thankful for a church who knows that life begins the moment God pairs an innocent life with it's mother. 


Last week, Nathan came home with a list of church members and the column headings were: Male, Female, and Total Family Members. Sarah, a friend at church is pregnant with her 5th child and in her family's total member count, it was marked 7. I was so happy when I saw that because it means that other people recognize a child's life before it's born, and for me and so many other parents- that's all we have. 

I'm thankful for a day set aside to remember.