3 Years

Today would have been Michael's third birthday. I can't believe it's been such a short time since I feel like everything changed.

I feel more than 3 years older than I did on February 12, 2011. I wish I didn't have to grow up so much because I know I missed out on a lot.

Nathan came in from work last night and his eyes were really red and he said he had been crying on the way home. So of course, I started to cry. Most of the time, it's the dread of the anniversaries, rather than the actual day that hurts the most. I woke up today and didn't feel any more sad than I do any other day. In fact, today I felt happy. I got to spend the day with a little girl who looks just like her brother and although I didn't have much to tell her about him, I did my best.

I received some really nice emails and calls from people telling me that they were thinking of Nathan and I, and that means so much. I know that time is coming that people will start to forget, or they might have a moment in the day where the date sounds familiar but they can't remember why and that's alright. It's what should happen.

Today a friend announced her pregnancy and I was so happy for her. I was so invested in her joy and it makes me realize how far I've come. My friend April was the first person to tell me she was pregnant after I lost Michael, and although I kept it together at her house, I felt like I was suffocating. I made an excuse to leave quickly and I sobbed the whole way home. Not because I wasn't happy for her, but because I was sad for me.

And today I wasn't sad. I was really happy for the joy my friend was feeling.