Five.

I cannot believe it has been five years since the first and last time I held my son, Michael. Even thinking about the wonderful memories - finding out I was pregnant, finding out it was a boy and that he was due on my birthday, the first time he kicked, the first time I bought a piece of baby clothing, are memories that make me come undone.

I don't let myself think of them often because Allison is starting to notice when I'm sad. She came out of her room (after I put her to bed) and saw me crying on the couch and asked, "Why are you sad Mummy?" and I just say I'm down because I worry about her mis-repeating something I tell her.

And I know I'm more sensitive today, especially when the anniversary is five years. It was like I suddenly realized that one day it will be 10 years, and then 20. I was asked by 2 people today if Allison was my only child, and then when Allison and I cuddled together to read her new bedtime story, the main character was named Michael.

I'm thankful that I had Nathan to cry with and that Allison was at school so that we could have time to grieve together without having to shelter her.

Both Nathan and my parents sent us beautiful flowers in remembrance of Michael and they have brought so much color and spring into our home and we are so grateful.

Allison was in a good mood after school so we played at the table until dinnertime. I don't often let myself imagine what it would look like to have two little boys at the table beside Allison, but I did today, and while I teared then (and now) I know it's healthy to remember them as real people who made a huge impact on our lives.